"Miss Martha, you are so weird!" "I know . . . isn't it wonderful!?"

in need of venting

So, I’m in the midst of a multiple sclerosis relapse.  I’m just getting worse, and I feel like I’m drowning.  Walking is hard.  I’m having pain like I’ve never had before.  My body is twitching and spasming out of control.  I feel like I can’t talk or make any sense.  My chest is heavy and breathing feels like exercise.  I feel like I can barely see out of my right eye, which is the one that DIDN’T have the optic neuritis.

 

I’m feeling very sorry for myself and all I want is my mommy.  I took a two hour bath and just tried to cry silently, so no one would know.

 

The drugs that I have to take so that I don’t scream from the pain of my leg spasms make me so wired and tired at the same time that my body and mind don’t even know what to do.
I got the lab work back that I needed before I can be considered for a course of steroids.  My white blood cell count is flagged as high, so I don’t know if I’ll be approved.

 

I’m so frustrated and overwhelmed and missing work.  All of my kiddies are there, and I’m here, feeling crippled and sorry for myself.  I know that I have a ton of sick time, but I’m sickened (pun intended) to miss work.  My summer reading program is going on without me.  God Bless my co-workers for “being me” when I can’t . . . but I desparately want to be there.  My work is my life, and my disease is preventing me from being able to do that.  I’m so mad at my body.

 

There is no amount of rest that will make me feel better . . . and my ego makes me push too hard anyway.  I got the paper off the porch this morning and had to sit down to rest.  Then I got my coffee, and had to rest.

 

I AM THE BIG FISH.  I AM SUPPOSED TO CARRY THE HEAVY STUFF . . . and I had to have Kenny open a bad of chips for me last night because I didn’t have the hand strength to do it myself.

 

I am grateful for this struggle, for this load is lighter than many that others must carry.  I am grateful for this struggle, for it proves that I’m alive.  I am grateful for this struggle, for it brings out of the best of my support group and proves how loved I am and how loving they are.  I am grateful for this struggle, for it shows that my dogs could both be therapy dogs.  I am grateful for this stuggle, for perhaps it means that my sister won’t suffer the same struggle.  I am grateful for this struggle, for it proves that, in spite of all of this, I would still be fine on my own.

 

I AM THE BIG FISH, regardless of my struggle.  It proves how strong I am.  Perhaps not today, perhaps not tomorrow, perhaps not for a couple of weeks . . . but I will keep swimming.  Even though I can’t see the shore, I know it is there.  If I can’t swim now, I will float and trust that I will drift in the right direction.

 

My body and mind are failing me . . . and my spirit and will power struggle to not do the same.

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